This month has been hard. Evidently it was not more than I could handle, because here I am typing as quickly or as slowly as my mind and fingers allow.
There were a series of difficult obstacles to tackle this month and when the first set hit I found old habits resurfacing pretty quickly. Maybe not like they would have pre- Whole30 when I would’ve binge ate McDonalds chicken nuggets or a pint of ice cream….or both. But I noticed most vividly that negative self-talk was present and it was heavy and harsh and all I wanted to do was shut it up with food. It was interesting because I found my newer self combating the older self with questions like this “Courtney, are you feeding the emotion or hunger?”
I became angry. WHY did I have to read every Whole30 book and WHY did I have to listen to every Melissa Hartwig and Danika Brysha Podcast? WHY is my Instagram feed filled with constant positivity and clean eating recipes to haunt me when I am miserable? WHY must I KNOW the answer to the question my newer self is asking? Wasn’t life easier before when I could dive head first into a basket of breadsticks and just. be. happy. for crying out loud? Without knowing the truth?
I knew I wouldn’t find happiness in breadsticks so I just cried. In my hotel room at my conference when I could have gone and eaten whatever I wanted to with no judgement from anyone. Instead, I listened to Food Freedom Forever on Audible (again) and filled my “cup o’ wholeness” up as full as I could get it. Through the rest of my many travels that weekend I felt distanced from music and listened to any and every Podcast I could find. Starting with Melissa Hartwig’s episode on MindBodyGreen and that started this incredible domino effect and before I knew it I was fighting the negative self talk without even realizing it.
I went into the next week feeling empowered and proud of how much I had put into my “cup o’ wholeness” really without much effort.
It turns out that during the next two weeks I was going to take and take and take from that cup until there was barely anything left. If you’re familiar with Food Freedom Forever, I view my “cup o’ wholeness” as the vehicle that holds my ability to “let good enough be good enough.”
Now…today…here I am scraping the bottom of my cup for every parcel, crumb, remnant of wholesome, balance, love, gratitude, thankfulness that I can find because this week… I was a lost.
Looking back I know that it was meant for me to struggle those first few weeks of June and submerge myself into those Podcasts so that my cup could be overflowing when I needed it the most.
So today, I found myself gravitating to my computer to write about this instead of pretending on Snapchat or Instagram that I have everything figured out because I don’t.
All I know is that I am so thankful that my newer self had the courage to scrape the bottom of my cup o’ wholeness to take in every last bit instead of falling for the false hope that a large pizza and glass of wine would have given me.
I know there is a time and a place when pizza and wine are appropriate for me but I know that it is not when my cup is empty. It is when my cup is full.
When my cup o’ wholeness is full it means that I am able to deliberately choose to consume the food or drink because I am completely present in the decision making process and in turn will be completely present in the meal.
And that is how it is supposed to be.
If I am not all there when I make the decision then chances are I am just feeding my emotions and I know that will cause a fast downward spiral to making things way worse than they already are.
I have been humbled by this month. It has honestly taken me full circle to my very first blog post in my Whole30 Journey from January 2016 when I quoted my every day words to my patients,
“Recovery is a full time job—a lifestyle change.” “It’s not going to be easy.”
Those words ring true today and here I am living a life I am beyond thankful for hoping that you learn with me and from me as we go through this together.
Filling our cups up with goodness and wholeness along the way.