I’ve typed and deleted this more times than I can count at this point. And then debated on telling you that this has been hard for me to write wondering if it will help or hurt how you perceive this message. Then, I was reminded of one of Melissa Hartwig’s recent IG posts about vulnerability. So here I am, speaking from my heart and not apologizing for it.
I feel like I’ve been on some sort of health pursuit my entire life. But never one that made sense until I found Whole30.
The problem is, it takes a lot of time to reframe thoughts and opinions about yourself when you’ve spent years of self-ridiculing and being consumed in self-hatred. I’ve definitely been my own worst critic but there are still those f
ew messages that will roll into DM’s that remind me that I don’t look like “real health coaches.” Whatever that means.
I don’t share those comments with you often and I delete them quickly and disregard them as a way to cope but I am human and they still bring up hard things for me. I can tell you that it is likely that person is experiencing something far worse than I am and is just choosing to project it towards me to make them feel better about whatever is going on in their own lives.
I say this because I know this happens in real life scenarios too. Your friends and family may not be able to see quite the progress you’ve made and it’s frustrating.
I get it. I feel you.
I’m literally half the person I was 3 years ago (I’m reminded of this because I was super unhealthy at my wedding which my anniversary is next week and social media has this way of bringing back all those memories, ya know) but I’m not where I was 5 years ago either- also as time hop not so graciously reminded me of today.
I look at that photo and grieve the girl with the tiny body. But her mentality was flawed, she wasn’t strong, her immune system was just as weak as the heavier set Courtney too. Both with not a lot of nutrition, one who ate too little and one who ate too much.
The thing is- I don’t really know what size I need to be to fit this mold everyone speaks of.
What I do know is that I want to do this the right way, I want to be proud of myself along the way and I want to be healthy. And healthy to me is being confident in my food freedom, exercising as my body needs and fueling my thoughts with the right things too.
I know it is up to me to be proud of myself at the end of the day and that I’m the only person who truly knows my heart, mind and intentions but it IS nice when you’re built up and encouraged which is why I submerge myself to the Whole30 community.
Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction- are all hard concepts to swallow, to explain and to heal from.
But healing IS possible. Especially when you are exposing yourself to the right resources and positivity and not taking the negative Nancy’s seriously- whether it’s virtual or in your real life.
So if you are on your health journey and are not where you thought you would be at this point, please don’t stop trying and don’t start loving your body any less. You can’t heal or grow or change if there’s self-hatred in your own thoughts. Your body will thank you and be grateful for all the positive changes, big or small you’re making on a daily basis.
And to you, a loved one of a person on a health journey, please be kind, gentle and supportive with your words. He or she may not ever be the person you once knew, but a healthier, stronger and more empowered person may emerge and just surprise you.
We don’t need to rely on you solely to fuel our self-esteem but it certainly doesn’t hurt to feel like we have amazing and supportive people on our team that are proud of the progress mentally AND physically that we have made.
I am still learning how to love myself, and a part of that is showing myself grace along the way. It is being honest and accepting that I still have bad days and that it is okay if not a single other person understands. I am trying, I know I am trying and that is and will be enough for me.